How to be Happy

 Imagine being happy, I mean truly happy!

I found the secret to happiness a long time ago after searching for many of years and I suddenly realised so many people are still not happy, now for some their happiness is to live in misery amongst drama nonsense and negativity and hey if that's your happiness that's fine but, my oh my when you let that go and find peace you will wonder why you didn't release it sooner.

Anyone that knows me will know how angry I was and not just angry at anyone but anything, everything!

it held me back for so long but what I learnt was I wasn't harbouring anger I was just unhealed and didn't know how to heal to set myself free.

Speaking negative will only induce the negative to be present in ourselves

Everyone has a past and what ever that holds is different for everyone, some better than others some worse than but either way their will always be someone that has work to do to heal from something.

You hear so much about breaking Generational curses, absolutely 100% a real thing...don't think so??

I come from a history of Alcohol abuse, and what comes along with that is years of childhood trauma, how does that develop into adult life? 

Well I couldn't even sleep without the TV on! Why? because silence means awkward tension, silent treatments, anxiety, no eating, confined to one room for days at a time to avoid being pulled into taking  sides, listening to one parent bash the other (a narcissist loves to bad mouth the other person to build up a resentment towards them leaving them lonely and vulnerable and yes even in their own family and household, they can make you turn against that family member making you believe they are the ones that are the problem) all of this would be after the parents would be in another alcohol induced 'row' 

imagine a child sat in her bedroom listening to parents arguing all night after a night of drinking, the crashing, banging, shouting, insults the loud noise of any and all commotion was 'normal' for me so silence after would bring 'not normal' aftermath, for me sleeping with the TV on meant normal the noise would allow me to sleep.

Drinking was very normal in our house hold, so drinking alcohol for me started at around 12 years old, sneaking bits of drink from my mum and dads bottles was very normal, then I would be bullied in school so that drinking went from the weekends to taking it to school in my drinks bottle, id usually be drunk before home time and would get back to a home not of a dinner waiting on the table but to UB40 playing and 2 usually already drunk parents, god the memories of walking up the road and getting half way hearing the music on and knowing that they were in the garden half cut already and the feelings of are they happy are the mad is it a good day or will i be getting woken up to make a run for it? but UB40 meant everything was happy the mood was in good spirits, by around 10pm if the 60's music came on you knew by midnight the arguing would start and the being pulled out of bed and made to leave the house walking across streets with no shoes and in pyjamas was likely imminent, so let me tell you when I tell you childhood trauma is real and healing from it is essential to a life of true happiness is a very real thing... it really is.

How to heal from childhood trauma.

First things first, understanding what that trauma is and getting to understand that what your 'normal' was is actually not normal. Understand that you are allowed to feel angry that a child had to be subjected to those traumas but also understand that you are now standing as an adult and now have the power to fix that.

I would often find myself drowning in a sea of darkness.

I drank a lot from 12- 20, drink was a very normal thing for me I grew up around it and as I got older I used it as a way to escape reality, I never got sad or upset when I drank so for me I thought I had already won because look at me taking all these shots and drinking all these spirits handling it like a grown up without fighting and arguing at the end of the night, I thought I'd broke that generational curse of alcoholics because I could handle a drink, wow I had to go so much deeper than that to truly heal so be prepared to go down a lot of dark holes, shed a lot of tears and feel emotions you never knew existed.

I began my healing journey more or less over night, I drank heavily into my 20 and and a half years of  life and found out I was to birth a child that I actually thought would be a set back for my life,

I remember feeling I had really messed up and yet I had a feeling of change was coming and this was the beginning of the rest of my life.

I took a pregnancy test with a southern comfort in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and the second I seen those 2 lines come up I had an instant feeling of 'I'm done'

I threw the cigarette away and poured my drink down the sink and that was it I was done there and then on that spot haven't drank or smoked since. That's when I knew change was needed and I was never ever going to put my baby through any of what I had to see and listen to, I left my home full of narcissistic drunk fuelled abuse and decided no matter how hard life could get it would never be as hard as seeing my child go through that so what ever it would take to make it work, i was going to do.

In 9 months I stopped drinking, stopped going 'out' I was no longer in clubs and pubs, I had a baby and lost all my 'friends 'and if that's not being pushed in at the deep end with no life support I don't know what it is. That was 15 years ago, and today I am with 3 children and their dad (bless him he has seen me through all stages of life) of 20 years in a place I never thought possible.

I stood in the face of anger, my demons and told it, it has no place in my heart or body anymore, 

I accepted my parents had their own problems ones that I was never and should never have been responsible for but I can accept that they too were struggling and never knew how to or had the opportunity to heal from their own generational curses and childhood traumas, I have parents that both came from 2 completely different backgrounds and that shows me everyone has their own problems regardless.

I should have been a little girl swinging happily and carefree through life but that wasn’t in my journey, and that’s ok, because I saved myself.

I processed emotions differently because I had to as a child and so I had to undo everything I had learnt to relearn how to process understand and accept in a way that allowed me to regulate my feelings now, I had to handle them different, walking around angry and like the world owed me something got me no where.

How did I do that?

well I would write a lot, if I could write what I was feeling and not just sad things but happy things too memories, everything it helped me to learn that those feelings were valid, the bad feelings I allowed to be written accepted and moved on from, the happy feelings would be put into a memory box, and those happy ones would often be pulled out and read to remind myself that negative thoughts feelings etc were only temporary and would soon pass and do you know after not too long at all I had more and more happy writings than I did of the negative ones, so writing a lot will help.

I had to rediscover myself, I had to relearn who I was and doing that with 3 kids isn't easy, you easily get lost in giving them everything and yourself gets left on the back burner but then whilst your not taking care of you how could you possibly give them the best of you so I took care of myself and I don't mean painting nails and plucking your eyebrows that's maintaining your outer person, I mean I really began to care for myself! 

I would sit with myself in silence with a cup of tea And allow myself to just be present in that moment, and let my thoughts just be MY thoughts, this is how I learnt actually I don't like being around people, I go to family parties, I attend places because other people wanted me there not because I wanted to be, so I started saying NO, 

"were having a BBQ on Saturday so come over it will be a laugh" - No thankyou

"why" - "because I don't want to and I have no reason to give you an explanation, I said No because that's just my answer"

I don't owe explanations to people, if I don't want to do it its because I don't want to and that's the end of it.

I wasted too many years pleasing everyone else yet no one ever thought maybe I just don't want to.

Truth is, when I finally started setting boundaries and saying no I really stepped in to my happiness zone, I do what I like when I like and with no ones say so, I used to feel guilty about that but that's because I was leaving the people pleasing version of myself, I grew out of that phase quickly because it felt good to finally breathe without being suffocated by everyone else's expectations.

I began to learn what foods I actually liked and I wasn't just eating because its what was available, I began to understand what music I actually liked and not something I became brainwashed with and because I listened to it so much I knew the words so hell I must like this song, no I found I actually didn't like any of that music and if I hear one of those 60s songs now I actually cant stand it, well unless Dusty Springfield comes on I mean I don't mind that,                                                                                 I stopped listening to angry rap music because I didn't like it, it just spoke my feelings at the time, I really began to learn who I was and not accept what I was 'supposed to be' 

so here goes,

Hi my names Hannah I'm 36 years old, I used to be fuelled by anger bad memories and alcohol, I would be out every night clubbing and pubbing, I had alcoholic parents that was fuelled by anger and their own issues that some how filtered down into my life as a child, I allowed that to stick around for years,

I lost 3 pregnancies which spiralled in to more drink and anger until I found I was to have a child and this one would change everything.

I began to heal, I have broken curses, I have made many mistakes I have not been perfect and will go on to make more mistakes and be 'Imperfect' but I will be the best version of myself and whilst I will never strive for perfection I just know I will always do better, I will take my rest when I need to without feeling guilt and without feeling lazy, I will allow my bad days to be no longer than just that day, when I fall down I will always be sure to keep looking up because when your looking up its the only way you can go! I will not apologise for who I am and what I like, if people don't like that I know that's ok we just don't align which is also fine not everyone is supposed to, I will always help if I can but I will also know that some days I wont be able to because my energy is more important to protect, I can only give what I protect, I will never again live my life by someone else's expectations, I will always be true to who I am and that includes my shadow self, I know and understand that I can be judgmental but that is just a life skill I had to learn when I was younger and its not always the right thing to do but it is something that can happen so I will accept every part of me, I accept my past, and I manifest my future.

How to be truly happy?

Find peace, find your peace and live in it, to find it you will be distraught, humiliated and humbled but every part of it is worth it, when you find your peace you will notice how much calmer your life becomes, I walk hand in hand with that now and I feel like that was a part of my life's mission.

I found happiness in silence, listening to only birds singing and a still mind.

I often found myself being on my own content with silence, some may say lonely I say happy in my own presence.

I find happiness in dark cold rainy days because sometimes perfection is in the unwanted.

I found my happiness and now it’s time to find yours.

Oh and p.s … I’m on day 11 of not having the TV on when I sleep! Healing every day people! 

yours truly,

H x